Surreal. Marked by the intense irrational reality of a dream.
Surreal. Bizarre, is this really happening?
Surreal.
This word sums up the emotion of this week for me. But it wasn’t until a dear friend used this word that I fully realized what I was feeling inside, and why I felt as though I was walking in a gray cloud.
“It’s all surreal,” Brad said, as he gestured to the room we were all sitting in. The room was quite beautiful; the flowers had been arranged nicely. There were pockets of people all over, getting caught up on the latest news in each other’s lives, asking how life had treated them since last they saw each other. We have all changed in the past 10 years. Single. Engaged. Married. Kids. Jobs. Cars. Mortgages. Older.
But as pleasant as the conversations were, as much as we all liked seeing each other again, no one could escape the reason why we had all come together after all this time. All conversations turned back to the common factor in all our lives in that moment. Mark Norris.
He was there, but he wasn’t there.
His physical body was there in the room with us. But Mark wasn’t. He wasn’t cracking jokes, wasn’t flashing his million-dollar smile, wasn’t telling someone to “hold his foot” for comfort. His body was in the coffin, over which laid a beautiful spread of flowers. In front of his casket stood his parents and his brother, hugging, greeting, and crying with those who came to pay respect to Mark.
Everything about Mark’s death, funeral, absence.....it’s all surreal. Like a bad dream that won’t end. Not a scary one, but one that really....well, sucks. Don’t get me wrong, the funeral was beautiful and sweet. There was the video montage of Mark’s life, put together by the guys in the film production company Mark started. Mark’s dad, Dennis, shared some sweet thoughts about his son. And the preacher gave a beautiful eulogy. And everyone sitting and standing in that chapel was touched by Mark. Yes, standing – it was standing room only. But I didn’t like being there. I didn’t like hearing the sniffles, I didn’t like asking for tissues, I didn’t like seeing someone reach over to comfort another. I didn’t like knowing that people were really hurting.
I’ve come to the conclusion through this experience that I’m not ready to grow up. Sure, there are the perks of being an adult: you can legally get married, buy alcohol, you don’t have to order from the kids menu. But there are painful things you have to go through. You have to watch as people you love depart this earth.
As I watched Mark’s casket being carried to his grave, I was struck by this thought: I don’t know what is sadder for me. Watching my friend being carried to his grave, or watching my friends carry my friend to his grave. There were 6 main pall bearers, and 6 honorary ones. Most of them I grew up with, and just like Mark, I considered them as my brothers. And now I watched as these boys, these men, whom I have known since childhood, who are some of the toughest guys I know, weeping at the loss of their brother.
Another thing I realized in all this is the loss I feel towards my childhood friends. I know we all grew up and started living our own lives. But there was a friendship that began all those years ago, and the test of those relationships came out today, when all of us who could showed up for the funeral. Faces I hadn’t seen in a decade suddenly were in the same room as me, and we were talking and catching up....and while it was under terrible circumstances, I was glad for it.
Grief....it’s a beautiful, terrible thing. Right now, we are all grieving Mark’s loss, some more than others. Is there hope? Is there relief from the sadness? Yes, absolutely. But for now, there is grief.
On the drive home from Memphis to Selmer, a song popped into my mind. It’s a Casting Crowns song, “Praise You in This Storm”. More specifically, the chorus rang through my ears over and over.
“And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm”
The line in bold really struck me. “Every tear I’ve cried You hold in Your hand.” But wait! Doesn’t that mean that He holds ALL the tears cried? So, He – God, the creator of the Universe, the Lord of the Heavens, and our loving Father – He holds my tears, and Mr. Dennis’s tears, and Ms. Janice’s tears, and Michael’s tears, and Brad’s tears, and Wil’s tears, and Josh’s tears, and Aaron’s tears, and Andrew’s tears, and....if I knew everyone in that room, I would list them.
As I thought more about that song, I realized how hard it was for me to really praise God in the middle of this storm, or in any storm for that matter. I can’t wrap my brain around the concept of “praising through a storm”. Praise is a happy thing, right? I want everyone to be happy. I don’t like things being messy. I like life to be cheery and rosy and beautiful and happy all the time. I don’t like the feelings of sadness, pain, or suffering. And I especially don’t like seeing people I care about having feelings of sadness, pain, or suffering.
What is God’s plan in all of this? I don’t know, I have no stinking clue. And, frankly, I don’t really care. I don’t care about a timeline for this to “be used for his purposes”. I mean, I know He will, I have every faith that He will. But I don’t care about it right now. What I DO know and care very much about is that I have a God, and that He’s REAL and that His promises are TRUE. I believe with all my heart that His Son, Jesus, the Great Comforter, can heal any hurt, any time, any day of the week. He is the Prince of Peace, peace that surpasses all understanding. Peace in the midst of Grief. Realness in the midst of Surreal-ness.
Anyway, these are my semi-raw thoughts. But it’s still all....surreal.
5/20/11
1/26/11
Old stuff
As I was rummaging through my phone, I found some stuff I wrote a while ago, and thought I'd post them on my blog for kicks. :)
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Things I've learned as a mom:
*until your children are taller than your shoulder, you are a walking trash can/Kleenex/napkin/baby wipe
*Target is the best place in the world to buy clothes. If you see a shirt/jeans/dress you like and don't want to pay $25 for it....just wait a couple months and you can get it for $3.
*If said $3 shirt/jeans/dress is used as a kleenex/napkin/baby wipe, don't sweat it! I mean, it was only $3!!
*Target is the best place I'm the world. Period.
*babies/toddlers never perform when you want them to.
*sometimes kids just have a runny nose.
*don't leave full (or semi-full) cup of coffee in the reach of small children.
*don't give espresso flavored gelato to small children.
*scrubs are not for people in the medical field. They are for moms of small children. They are comfy, durable, have pockets, and have a stain-resistant coating.
*babies don't break easily.
*overalls are made as a handle for crawlers and toddlers.
*talking "with" your child is so much more effective than talking "at" your child
*teaching your child how to do something is much more inconvenient than doing it yourself in the moment. But doing it for the child instead of teaching them how to do it is much more inconvenient in the long run.
*sometimes, the best way to relieve stress is to crank up the music and dance with your child
*kids are very fun to laugh at. They always do things to make you laugh, and don't even mean to!
*your kid(s) should be your favorite toy
*a hug and kiss from your little guy/gal can uplift your mood and spirit better than most anything else in the world.
*having conversations with your child while walking through Walmart will produce 1 of 2 reactions: 1-strange looks from those who "don't know". 2-happy, sweet, blessed looks from people who "do know"
*the best place for your child to be is in your heart. The best place for you to be is in your Child's heart.
*a great place for mommy time is in the bathtub. A little bath salts, candles, and relaxing music go a long way to rejuvenate your spirit.
*No mother has everything completely figured out, and no mother gets it completely right. But we all have these tools that we use and have in our tool bag. Some we use everyday. Some we hardly ever touch. Some we forget we have until another is broken (and we find it accidentally). Sometimes our older friends give us ones that they no longer need as much. Sometimes we give one away to one who needs it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things I've learned as a mom:
*until your children are taller than your shoulder, you are a walking trash can/Kleenex/napkin/baby wipe
*Target is the best place in the world to buy clothes. If you see a shirt/jeans/dress you like and don't want to pay $25 for it....just wait a couple months and you can get it for $3.
*If said $3 shirt/jeans/dress is used as a kleenex/napkin/baby wipe, don't sweat it! I mean, it was only $3!!
*Target is the best place I'm the world. Period.
*babies/toddlers never perform when you want them to.
*sometimes kids just have a runny nose.
*don't leave full (or semi-full) cup of coffee in the reach of small children.
*don't give espresso flavored gelato to small children.
*scrubs are not for people in the medical field. They are for moms of small children. They are comfy, durable, have pockets, and have a stain-resistant coating.
*babies don't break easily.
*overalls are made as a handle for crawlers and toddlers.
*talking "with" your child is so much more effective than talking "at" your child
*teaching your child how to do something is much more inconvenient than doing it yourself in the moment. But doing it for the child instead of teaching them how to do it is much more inconvenient in the long run.
*sometimes, the best way to relieve stress is to crank up the music and dance with your child
*kids are very fun to laugh at. They always do things to make you laugh, and don't even mean to!
*your kid(s) should be your favorite toy
*a hug and kiss from your little guy/gal can uplift your mood and spirit better than most anything else in the world.
*having conversations with your child while walking through Walmart will produce 1 of 2 reactions: 1-strange looks from those who "don't know". 2-happy, sweet, blessed looks from people who "do know"
*the best place for your child to be is in your heart. The best place for you to be is in your Child's heart.
*a great place for mommy time is in the bathtub. A little bath salts, candles, and relaxing music go a long way to rejuvenate your spirit.
*No mother has everything completely figured out, and no mother gets it completely right. But we all have these tools that we use and have in our tool bag. Some we use everyday. Some we hardly ever touch. Some we forget we have until another is broken (and we find it accidentally). Sometimes our older friends give us ones that they no longer need as much. Sometimes we give one away to one who needs it.
1/16/11
My Dear Sister
This is a letter I just wrote to a younger Sister in Christ. I thought I'd share with you what God has been showing me. ~April~
My Dear Sister--
I hadn't actually forgotten to write something for your book. I forgot to remember to do it. Haha, anyway...
I have been thinking for a while of what to write to you, of things I would want you to go back on and consider in the future, of what I would want to put out there for all posterity. Frankly, I got nothing. No words of wisdom, no great mantras to live by. I’m finding out, day by ever loving day, that I am no expert on anything; that there is always someone else who is more knowledgeable in some area than I; that I am not the self-proclaimed “know it all” that I once thought I was.
Instead, I want to tell you about the things that God is showing me, even this very minute. Some things I will be able to elaborate on, because He has shown me most or the entire picture He wants to reveal to me. Other things will be short, as I don’t even fully understand what He’s saying, let alone own it in any way.
My Dear Sister--
I hadn't actually forgotten to write something for your book. I forgot to remember to do it. Haha, anyway...
I have been thinking for a while of what to write to you, of things I would want you to go back on and consider in the future, of what I would want to put out there for all posterity. Frankly, I got nothing. No words of wisdom, no great mantras to live by. I’m finding out, day by ever loving day, that I am no expert on anything; that there is always someone else who is more knowledgeable in some area than I; that I am not the self-proclaimed “know it all” that I once thought I was.
Instead, I want to tell you about the things that God is showing me, even this very minute. Some things I will be able to elaborate on, because He has shown me most or the entire picture He wants to reveal to me. Other things will be short, as I don’t even fully understand what He’s saying, let alone own it in any way.
- He’s showing me that I can be a friend. I can take care of people. I can add more things to my already (seemingly) busy schedule to take care of someone who is sick, or needs a meal, or needs me to take care of their kids, or whatever else comes my way. I cannot use the excuse that “I can’t, because I have 6 kids.” God has given me a large capacity to handle lots of responsibilities. And, as such, He expects me to respond accordingly when opportunities to serve come up.
- He’s showing me that the illusion of “God” that I grew up with is a joke. He’s not this distant, cosmic being, who stoops down on us lowly mortals to check in every now and then. He’s real, He’s tangible, and He’s right beside me every step of the way.
- He’s teaching me to rely on others. I’m very self sufficient and capable, and have a hard time asking for help in any area of my life. But, even more important than learning to lean on others, He’s teaching me to fully rely on Him for everything.
- He’s revealing to me that I have to draw from Him EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY. He’s showing me that I HAVE to talk to him, even if I think that (in the grand scheme of eternity) my requests, complaints, thoughts, desires, etc., are inconsequential. He still cares about me.
- He’s helping me become a better mother to my kids, helping me see the big picture with them, helping me not focus on the behavior, but rather to see the person inside. He’s helping me nurture the spirit within.
- He’s pounding me with how I speak to my children. A friend of mine quoted a scripture in a recent blog entry. Jeremiah 1:9...”Then the Lord reached out and touched my mouth and said, 'Look, I have put words in your mouth!'" Ok, so if that’s true, then the opposite can be true, right? If God can put words in my mouth, can’t Satan do the same, if my guard is down and I let him?
- He’s helping me become the person that He wants me to be, not the person I think I am.
- There are times when I look at other women around me and I begin to feel like I’m lacking in areas. Let me rephrase. I know I’m lacking in a lot of areas in my life. I’m a terrible house keeper, my room is always a wreck (despite all my efforts to keep it clean), I always have tons of laundry to wash/fold/put away, I’m terribly inconsistent with so many areas of my life....the list of my short comings is endless. But I look at other women and begin to “idolize” them. I think, “Wow, (insert name here) has it ALL TOGETHER! Look at her (life, children, house, room, relationships, etc.). Everything is so easy for her. Something must be wrong with me, because I can never be like her.” I hear this conversation in my head so many times during the week that it’s hard sometimes to tune it out. But you know what God is showing me? He’s showing me that, while those ladies (or men) seem like they have it all together, it not completely true. They struggle with the same things that I struggle with. And while they may excel in an area that I am a complete and utter failure in, I have something from God that they need. We are all here to help each other, not to look at each other in pitiful envy.
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